How to Approach Someone with Depression – Unwarranted Advice
First off, I just want to address this because it seems necessary. Yes, I talk about mental illness a lot on here. Specifically, the types of mental illness that I deal with on a regular basis. This isn’t because I’m obsessed with them, or that I feel like I need to educate people, it’s simply because mental illness affects every aspect of my life. Everyday I face the mind-numbing pain of depression, the fear of uncontrollable anxiety, and the pressures of OCD. I wish I could say it wasn’t constantly on my mind, but it is. I have to double check most of my actions against my own diseases to make sure what I’m saying and doing is being informed by my personality, not by my deficiencies. And sure, there are some parts of who I am that are built by OCD or anxiety, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept my lack of control in specific situations.
Around 1 in 5 Americans over the age of 18 report to suffer from anxiety or depression. This number might seem larger than expected, but research suggests the percentage has always been around this high, there is just a larger conversation concerning mental health in America today, and thus, people are more likely to recognize their own symptoms.
When it comes to depression, there is another thing that I feel has to be stated. Everyone gets depressed. Everyone. But not everyone has depression. That’s a very important distinction. If you have depression, you most likely know. You’ll be sad for no reason, your head will feel foggy, and you’ll be irritable without cause. I’m not sure what it’s like to get depressed when you don’t have depression, but from asking around, it seems like there is always some cause for the sadness, with depression that’s not always the case.
There are several types of depression, and everyone experiences the symptoms differently. What’s important to note is that no matter what type of depression you or a loved one is facing, the way you approach it is always the same, with understanding, patience, and respect.
I realize that might sound too simple, but believe it or not, just being a somewhat decent human being is enough to help someone through a rough day. Novel concept, right?
Understanding depression (or any mental illness) seems impossible, but it isn’t. What you have to realize is the following:
It’s no one’s fault. Not yours, not theirs.
You’re never going to fix them permanently, more on that later.
However they choose to “treat” themselves, so long as they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else, is generally the best way to help them.
These are the things I try to make clear when someone is worried about upsetting me or being the “cause of my depression,” which has happened a lot.
Depression is a chemical imbalance, you can’t cause that unless you’re the one feeding me junk food and keeping me from expressing myself. So, whenever you might have bad news and you’re afraid to tell someone who has depression, don’t be. Any emotion they have in response isn’t depression, it’s just their natural reaction.
By making sure you’re aware that it isn’t your fault or their fault for being depressed, you’re already ten times better when it comes to supporting someone with depression. It takes the conversation off of blame and onto getting them out of the funk, or at least escaping it for a little while.
Which, brings me to escapism. A lot of people who get depressed want to be left alone, if that’s what they want, don’t fight them on it. If someone trusts you enough to tell you they’re depressed, then you simply ask “is there anything I can do for you?” and if they say “leave me alone for a bit,” you do that. You can worry all you want while they’re laying face down in their bed, but you’ve got to trust that this is just part of their process.
But some people want a companion. Some people want you to be there for them while they're feeling down. So, if you can be there, be there. Play games or just talk. Watch a movie or go for a walk. I'm ending this paragraph now so I don't make another accidental rhyme.
If acting like this is affecting their professional or personal life to such a degree that you’re worried, you can ask them about it. But you’re going to have to be tactful. Depression makes me stay in bed until noon or later, and it hurts my business tremendously. I only lost one contract due to this, and it wasn’t one I really wanted anyway. But this was enough for me to decide to, at the very least, keep my ringer on high when I’m in bed so I don’t miss an email (I ended up getting the client back as the replacement he hired was so bad that I actually had to edit their edits, I got lucky).
In order to fix this problem, I took a job that imposes a schedule on me. I can’t sleep in if I have to get up at 5 every day. I’m doing my best to be proactive with my environment so I don’t fall into the traps I’m liable to get stuck in.
Funny enough, do you know what gets me out of bed most of the days I do feel stuck to it? My friends. The same ones worried about making me “more” depressed by talking to me. I think two of them have a pretty good sense of being able to tell when I’m screwing myself over, and they always encourage me to start my day at a more reasonable hour, and it works. Not because I don’t want to let them down, but because I want to be better, and know I can be because they believe in me.
So, let’s go over what we’ve learned. The first step to being supportive of someone with depression is understanding. Ask them questions about what they’re going through, don’t judge, and help them believe in themselves. Be straight forward and when you can, be available. Believe you me, I understand when someone is busy, and it’s never going to make me feel worse.
Being patient with someone who experiences depression is the biggest and best thing I’ve ever experienced. When I want to just disappear for a bit, and someone I care deeply about tells me that’s “100% OK” I just want to hug that person forever. Well. Not literally, because I want to be left alone.
But beyond patience with conversation and activities, there’s also the patience in understanding that this problem doesn’t really go away. Your loved one will get depressed again, even if you have a sick night playing laser tag and eating bomb ramen.
Side note: anyone want to go play laser tag and get a bowl of ramen?
You can’t fix the problem, and it might get better, or it might get worse. This is the type of patient I encourage all of my friends to be. My depression has nothing to do with how awesome my friends and family are. It’s just my depression, and no matter what I can’t change that. Spending time together is a good way to get my head out of the gutter, but it’ll go right back in as soon as it feels like it. Which, I realize, makes it seem like friends are like band-aids. And so it sucks. Because that might mean a friend feels like they’re getting used, but that’s never the intention.
It’s hard to parse through this, because in all honesty, my friends have let me use them to get over my issues, and I’ve let my friends with depression do the same to me. But the benefit of it all is, when my head isn’t feeling foggy, I’m still around and still do things with the people I love. So, while yes, offering to be there for someone who is depressed is kind of like some weird prostitute metaphor, it’s also just part of being friends with someone who has depression.
Sorry, if you can’t tell I struggle with this actually. In fact, it’s kind of what I write about in my free time. I don’t really understand how to approach this side of relationships and whatnot, other than feel grateful that people are willing to spend time with me when I’m feeling blue.
I guess what matters here is that someone with depression should never beg for someone to spend time with them, and they shouldn’t get upset if someone can’t spend time with them either. It really all comes down to perspective, and I’m too deep to see all the angles. I just know that I love my friends, and I’d do anything for them. I was talking to one of my best friends recently and she said “you’d really take a bullet for just about any of your friends, wouldn’t you?” and I kind of laughed, because I don’t think I’d hesitate in the slightest. Everyone close to me, means the world to me. But that’s just because I am 1 sappy boi, I guess.
Anyway, before I start crying, it’s time to move onto respect. Respect is a virtue I cherish above just about everything and that’s doubly true when it comes to depression. With all of the information I stated above, the most important thing you can do is respect the person, but also the illness. Depression is real, and it hurts, and it makes doing anything extremely difficult. Acknowledging the reality of the situation and what the person is facing is the second biggest step anyone can take to be a real ally for those suffering from any mental illness.
The biggest step, however, is the easiest. Just do your best. Do your best in life in general, but also do your best to understand, be patient with, and respect the people around you. With conversations about mental illness hitting the limelight, it’s important to keep yourself educated and open-minded. And remember, it doesn’t take the world’s most effective communicator to simply say: “how can I help?”
Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring. If you made it this far, you probably are interested in this kind of stuff, which!!!! Is amazing! I love and appreciate you for that. We’ve all got to work on ourselves somehow and someway, so I appreciate you taking the time to understand my perspective on mental illness.
If anyone you know is harming themselves or expressing intent to harm themselves, do not hesitate to contact a professional or the suicide hotline. My tips might help, but they come from someone who suffers, not someone who is extremely educated on the subject.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
There are support groups nationwide, this website might help you find one http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-support-groups
